Forward Ever, Backward Never: Why Exes Should Stay Exes
Relationships have their ups and downs, and not every relationship ends happily ever after. Sometimes, when a relationship ends, it’s only the beginning. Many people (including myself) will fall into a deadly trap where they will leave their significant other, only to reunite. I’m here to implore you to reconsider. You know you have reservations and not all situations are little arguments or “cosmetic breakups” where you just said it to say it and you both know you’ll be back together. I’m talking about those common situations that have your friends asking “when will you wake up?” and have you as a person second guessing your moves. Exes should stay exes. Please allow me to present some specific circumstances which leverage my point:
#1: On Again, Off Again
The on/off again relationship present a classic relationship situation. This occurs when a couple has certain irreconcilable differences that beckon them to “take a break” and put the lovefest on hold for an unspecified number of days. You would be delusional if you didn’t think this occurs normally in relationships. The successful relationships sort through this dirt to find that precious gold. Others go years without solving the core issues and the couples either end up miserably or end up miserably together. Break ups happen because of things like getting hung up on, that one bad argument, and other minor issues. We have to realize that if we don’t change the issue that’s truly at the root of the problem (or even attempt to look for it) then it’s time to chuck the deuces. If it’s minor, get over it. If you find yourself taking breaks every 3 months, then that should tell you something. Remember, ANYTHING can happen during a break, and those unknown variables can prove to be an issue down the line.
#2: History
When you want to leave an ex, and even have other options, history becomes an excuse to make things work. “We’ve been together xx years” “we know each others families” and other phrases generate a sense of ownership and responsibility in the individual to stick it out. That SOUNDS good, but “History” is just another word for “comfort”. You want to get back with your ex because you’re already established in their world and vice versa. You know their good points, and their bad. You would rather deal with the devil you know than unknown demons. I used to subscribe to this as well, and soon saw the tragic flaw in my ways: If you know what you don’t like, and know the person WON’T change, returning to your ex will just complete the circle that encompasses the never ending cycle of a doomed relationship (See #1). Comfort is settling, and settling is dangerous. When you settle, you harbor ill feelings towards your significant other and it eventually leads to drama which neither one of you wants or needs. Sure you may have spent a good amount of time with that person, but you have to trust your intuition and remember: In life, those who don’t learn from history are doomed to repeat it.
#3: D.M.G – Defining Moments of Griminess
Oh boy. This one is Killa. That one transgression or one mistake…or two or three that will destroy a happy home and end a couples run. Perhaps you cheated (or hit a chick when yall were on a break, but she don’t want to hear that sh*t because she wasn’t doing that during her recess!)or maybe you lied about something major or even domestic violence. If this has happened to you, then you just experienced a DMG: Defining Moment of Griminess. A DMG is that one moment in a relationship, where no matter what’s said, you did something VERY wrong, and there’s really no going back. Now (I’m especially going to ride for the fellas) nobody’s perfect. We ALL make mistakes. There’s nothing wrong with giving a person a second chance. The problems begin when you an ex back who had a case of the DMG, and you HAVEN’T forgiven them completely. You won’t trust your ex ever, and this mistrust can and will cause you to act out of character (Snooping, change in physical interaction, etc). You do yourself a disservice and your ex by selling them a dream that you are “over it” and you no longer have an issue. You know yourself better than anyone. If your feelings change and you can’t get over it, let your ex go! Be real with yourself, and save yourself the trouble.
#4: Love
This serves as one of the biggest reasons why exes reconcile. How many times have you heard your friends use the term “but I love him/her” when talking about an ex they can’t see themselves without. They fail to see the caveat with this statement, however: Many people don’t know the true meaning of love. Love is used as a crutch in relationships to settle for less and make excuses for behavior that’s either unacceptable in general or unacceptable to you. This word is passed around more freely than your favorite campus jumpoff. It’s used, reused, and recycled as justification for returning to a losing situation. Now, I don’t hate on this emotion at all. However, we need to realize that a lot of emotions disguise themselves as love and deceive us into discrediting our natural logic and judgment. Watch out for the following emotions which distribute impersonated love crazier than bootleg movies in Harlem:
- Complacency - Complacency bootlegs love by allowing you to settle. You know there are certain things you don’t tolerate in relationships, yet you tolerated it with your ex. Your ex may not be ambitious, sexually capable, etc, yet you love them and want to be with them. This is not love, this is complacency. This is one of the less severely bootlegged love emotions, as when you grow to Love someone you accept them for them. This becomes an issue when major situations arise, and complacency can be the straw that broke the camels back. Understand that if you DON’T accept the person for who they are, there’s no reason to reconcile with your ex. You will be back in the same situation pissed off about the same things, and complacency won’t help the situation.
- Caring – This love imposter packages itself as a classic phrase: “I love you but I’m not IN love with you” Like…WTF?! We all have heard this copout phrase at least once. I never knew what this meant. What…do you feel love yet don’t want to wife love up? Is that “love with benefits”? It’s like having a cell phone carrier yet not renewing your contract and still paying monthly. Here’s a newsflash: Your ex cares about you but doesn’t love you. If they loved you, they would never use that cliché line. If they’ve used that line, they don’t know what love is, or they refuse to tell you their true feelings. I believe it’s either one or both.
- Fear– This emotion notorously impersonates love. See, when people say that love keeps them coming back and love gives them the strength to stick the situation out, they need to take off the “love costume” and see it for what it is: Fear. Fear to lose the person that you’ve been with for all this time. Fear that your ex will find someone else and forget about you. Fear that you may not find another person on your ex’s level or above. Fear that you’ve been out of the game too long and forgot how to properly engage the single scene again. Fear preys on these insecurities, hides under the veil of loves, and powers individuals to forego their morals and logical thinking to reconcile with the ex, because love is stronger than anything. Fear is a mind killer, and will hinder your judgment and personal growth. Yeah it may be rough out there, and you may have a tough time getting back in the game, but it then becomes a question of comfort and familiarity vs. peace of mind and an overall life upgrade. The damage to your heart and feelings
As always, there are exceptions to the rule. The people who can go back to exes after crazy situations: I salute you. You have overcome comfort, fear, and insecurity, to make the relationship work. You made a commitment to get your life on track and it worked out. For the majority of us, that’s not the case. Breakups build character, and bad experiences show our true resolve and perseverance. This note serves as a warning and friendly advice from a dude who didn’t have these words of caution, had a few bad experiences, and whose stronger now because of them. My experiences taught me that when you know it’s over, you should let the past rest. Those excuses we make only serve to hurt us in the long run. Before you think about continuing a pointless cycle, be REAL with yourself, and have the strength and tenacity to see the situation from an unbiased, unclouded, unemotional eye. Make the right decision for you. Your thoughts?
Damn good argument. I have not one single rebuttal. The only thing I have an issue with in this post is that desert “Relationship” poster/pic. Hits a little too close to home. *smh*
You know a lot of dudes who basically do their dirt and expect to link up with wifey from they past is going to be upset with you on this one. I feel like the first line of this post should have been, “Mack, i’m going in….” – Lil’ Wayne – A Millie.
#1 and #2 aren’t as egregious as #3, but wooooo, #3. You see when a man does #3 he expects forgiveness, but when the woman does it, I have two words for you.. Chris Breezy!
In all honesty, #1 and #2 is stated best by Kanye – Bittersweet;
We breakin up again
We makin up again
But we dont love no more
I guess we fuckin then
Nuff Said,
Dr. J
I have been a relationship recycler in my past. my reason was always the same: I felt like he could and would change. I thought the second go round would be different. I do believe that people can grow up, and its what I hoped for–I guess I was blindly optimistic because even if growth is there, there is usually some other thing that pissed you off before that still pisses you off. and it eventually ends. I do believe that people can reunite and it can be a good thing though….depends on the people and the situations. I’ve never considered it settling in any of my situations but there has been issues of comfort. for sure…..
Way too long. Skimmed it. lol My attention span is not that great.
But just wanted to say that image from your banner looks familiar lol i’ll email you a flyer i did w/ that same chick in it
This is a terrific. I love the arguments as well as the supports. I agree with everything you said. On the contrary to the previous post, i actually liked the desert photo. Anyhow, keep em’ coming. You might end being the next Greg Behren. lol
@ tia – LOL @ the Desert pic. I thought it was hilarious because we’ve ALL felt like that
@ Dr J – I never said anything about sex with the ex, I’m indifferent to that. Go in for old times sake. hahahaha! But seriously, fellas and ladies alike need to know the risks. TIme is a valuable thing to waste, and we aren’t playing with house $$ in the game of life, ya dig? #3 is the real killer though!
@reecie – Settling vs comfort could be apples and oranges when looked at from different perspectives. only you know the difference, even in hindsight feel me?
@mac – dude, you’re too viral! READ!! lololol Send me that flyer too..lmao
@eclecticlady – Greg Behren? hahahha good looks!
Very good Jeff. I’d also like to add laziness. I have many friends who just don’t want to go back out there in the doggy dog world of dating: getting to know someone, getting over that first date awkwardness, learning to trust someone again…and so on and so forth. They just stick to what’s familiar out of shear laziness. Since I have been “eternally single” for a while, I’m used to the rat race. But, for those who “can’t be alone”, they will deal with the bs that they know all too well, rather than get acclimated with brand new bs.
good job as usual JJ… however I do disagree with one thing – “I love you but I’m not IN love with you” If they’ve used that line, they don’t know what love is, or they refuse to tell you their true feelings.
I have used this line… I will agree that I meant it as I still care about you but I dont love you. I disagree that if you use that line then you never loved the person. Sometimes shit happens and you get tired of a person’s actions. Even tho you harbor ill feelings towards them you still care about them, but you dont feel how you once felt…. thus I love (care about) you, but I’m not IN love with you. I think its one of those things that you dont fully understand until youare in that situation.
You can’t Judge a Book by it’s cover.
However, you CAN most certainly judge it by it’s contents. Going back to you EX can be compared to rereading a book you know is unsatisfying. Sure the Title was catchy and you liked the prologue, BUT REMEMBER:
You have read this book before!
If you reread a book under different circumstances you may grow to like it… OR …
you may realize that you are drawn to different Genres for a reason.
If you like Adventure Novels and Realistic Fiction know that about yourself. Forcing yourself to get into Sci Fi is an uphill climb. Why not do something you already KNOW you will enjoy?
Furthermore, a NEW and FRESH COVER will ONLY serve the purpose of attracting your attention initially. Upon further inspection you realize it’s just the same old shit. Why bother waste time reading?…SAME OLD STORY. SAME OLD ENDING.
This is a serious question that you must not take lightly. Going back and investing even more time and energy into a relationship that fizzled once, might leave you hesitant to walk away again, resulting in feeling stuck until some big thing happens.
You will regret it and resent your ex for it eventually.
boo, give me a copy of this in word format. I gotta forward this to 2 brothas who NEED it! LMAO!
Kudos my nigga…u hit that right on the head…every point u made I’ve been thru….TRUST…and I’ve learned my lesson…forreeaally doe..lol
You are Nowhere near the sea….You are in a DESERT. Alone. lol
Actually, I believe that a person can love, but not be IN love…after being in a relationship, we begin to feel that the love has evolved. It is not that passionate, ‘I can’t live without my boo,’ anymore. It is more like, ‘That’s my best friend,’ kind of love. But if you don’t work to keep that attraction between the two parties up, it may soon turn into ‘i will see him next week.’ Now the passionate love has turned into I love him like a brother type love. That is dangerous…sorry guys, I am not trying to marry a family member, thank you very much!!
I agree with almost everything except number 2. History IS important. Not just because of comfort but because if you spent time to build something with somebody you ought to think about what you’re throwing away. Love is not about “reaching higher planes” and finding the perfect human being, such a person does not exist. If you find someone that you love and are committed to then why would you even think you might be “settling” You’d have to be so ungrateful to not cherish the love that you already have at the time. I hate that word—> settling. Using it makes it seem like you’re a typical animal who is only after the alpha mate. We’re human beings we have the ability to reason on a higher level than that. (At least some of us do) I acknowledge fully that people I date aren’t always the best at one thing or another, but they are unique individuals that I have allowed into my life and COMMITTED TO. You might as well throw out loyalty if you’re going to use the word “settling” know why? Because there WILL ALWAYS be another dude with a bigger dick, more money, a nicer car, nice this or that or what ever floats your fantasy boat. All this means is that if you were in a relationship with someone for 5 yrs you’d be easily swayed if Tom Cruise or someone else with some pull came by in a Bentley and wanted to take you away. All it further emphasizes is how fickle people are. And if you’re idea of love comes down to “finding the alpha male and not settling” then you get what you’re looking for. You’ll never be happy and last with someone. Eventually when that mans luster fades you’ll find yourself looking for another top dog. Love is about accepting each others flaws and learning to grow with one another and build with one another, and experience life together through thick AND thin. Its not about finding an accessorie and trading it in when you find a better one. I think its a bit twisted how people can treat each other like they treat materials. Out with the old and in with the new eh? Well if you’re a human being and you know a bit about loyalty and comittment, and you hope to be in a long lasting successful relationship, you will have to make adjustments, you won’t just move because you think you’re settling. Men that think women need to be perfect 10′s in order to be a good wife don’t deserve a good wife. Just like women who only will stay by a man when he’s up don’t deserve a good man. What good is a woman who will leave you when you are weak? What good is a man who will desert you when you lose your beauty? Seriously. You might as well not start a relationship at all. Because when you get old a gray, women you WILL lose your looks. And men you WILL lose your strength. If a rela is what you care about then you have to look past the exterior and focus on the fact that you committed to this person and you will support them and reciprocate with them. If the rela is abusive, thats different. But if you’re comfortable in a relationship I think you’d be FOOLISH to drop that only to go look for some flair and pizazz. Be greatful for what you have if you have something comfortable and good.
@real talk – I hear your point, however I 100% no-sign.
When I speak of history, I speak of the excuse that people use when a relationship is no longer functioning. I dont speak of those relationships that work. Im talking the on again off again, people cheated on each other, you want to leave but ur scared because you dont think you can do better kind of relationships. If you are getting treated like sh*t in a relationship, yet you have been witht hat person for years, you’re suppose to stay in it because of history? To me that’s a lack of common sense and self esteem.
The grass definitely isn’t greener than any side, but sometimes, when the writings on the wall you have to READ it instead of ignoring it. OF COURSE relaionships are to build for better or worse, taking a persons shortcomings and loving them DESPITE that. This has a lot to do with knowledge of SELF! If you KNOW yourself and KNOW that you can’t look past a persons flaws or truly accept them, you do the other person a disservice by remaining in that relationship! If things get to the point of no return, or compromise isnt being established, are u suppose to stay because of history? Are you suppose to say “eff it I love he/she, so Ima ride it out…..some more?
This is in those situations where people try to compromise, have excessive back and forth, and you KNOW its time to leave. Shout out to the people who maintain good relationships, but if you arent satisfied in your relationship,m you go thru the motions, you make excuses for unacceptable behaviour, or you fear the unknown, then SETTLING with SET you up for more moments of anguish!
No one is perfect, but no one deserves to compromise their happiness for history.
Dude…
Quick notes on each of the items:
#1 – I never do the off/on again. I’m a DJ, and I HATE broken records. I also NEVER play the same record twice in one night. Take that as a microcosm of life… there are some things that should just never be revisited. Relationships included, IMO. Period.
#2 – You only LOOK BACK to understand what you must do to improve your experience AHEAD. History is important, and yes, you may still full love the person, but you broke up for a reason. More than likely, the situation/reason for the breakup will STILL exist. And if it doesn’t, time changes. You know how a wound heals, but the skin doesn’t always look the same even when the mark is almost completely gone? Its still there… you’re marked for life. And so is that former relationship.
#3 – When it comes to DMGs, I’m ruthless. You cheat on me? Peace… when you see me, don’t even part your damn mouth. THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR DMGs. Mistakes that do happen that are forgivable are not full DMGs, they are just “DMs” – defining moments. A test, if you will. Straight up, stepping out on your committed partner = DMG. There’s no return from that. That means something was missing in your eyes/mind/heart that made you get it elsewhere. If you really feel that way, just break up and remain friends. You can’t have your cake and eat it too… too many calories leads to health issues… LOL. And don’t get me started on the alleged “CB” thing. Striking a woman is some BULL. There is NO. FORGIVING. THAT. Unless she comes at you with a knife, gun, etc and there was no other way to defend yourself, its jut not gentlemanly. Period. That is some B*TCH SH*T. werd.
#4 – Can love keep the person in your life? Yes. Does that mean you gotta put yourself back through the wringer of pain? No, unless you’re clinically STUPID. I been there… but I couldn’t do it.
Straight up… being completely candid and talking way too much about myself, I was walking with my ex by the waterfront on the Westside Highway, we were talking. and she came out and said do you still love me? Yeah, I did. She said “then hold me”. And with all the pain in anger in my damn voice, I had to tell her like yo… you not mine to hold no more. Go back to dude you cheated on me with. I. Can’t Ignore. The Bullsh*t you pulled. And for that I will never fully trust you, so I can’t even play the smallest of roles of even being like we’re kinda together.
I made the good move… she ended up marrying dude she cheated on me with. LMAO.
And every ex, no matter how cool we stayed or became after the fact, has ever been given a round 2. Its one and done with the kid. Fool me once… eff you. Pack your sh*t and be out till I tell you can come around me again. LOL.
Peace Bruh!
Well said and coming from a dude makes it all the more powerful. I agree, (#1) forget the broken record scene. Going around in circles doing the same thing and expecting different results is the definition of INSANITY. Got to know who you are and what you want and you’ll do you and your boo a great service. One person in a relationship not knowing what they want is hell – add 2 to the mix…well u see where that is going. Thats right…an endless cycle of on again/off again. And what a nightmare to the close friends and family that have to listen to this repetative garbage.
that relationship poster is classic…lol
In sitations where #2 has occurred…hands down, there is no question..it’s a wrap. The root of it all is fear, though. Fear of the unknown but also the known (losing, in some cases, the strongest bond you’ve ever had). Personally, I’m not a big risk taker but I totally agree with you; it’s not until you take that big risk do you reap the (unknown) rewards. But I think there is more to it like…What is your definition of love? How much of your def is your significant other living up to? Quite frankly, you’re not ever gonna ever get 100% – but I thought that was the journey of love? ehh. At the end of the day you have to figure it out for yourself, in your own time. I agree with all the points you laid out but you can’t front…love has a lot of grey area, lol. Great posting!
Wow, mouth wide open…you hit a home-run on this one. Guess all of your exes have now gotten the hint! Lol
smh…this one made me have a ‘moment of truth’ moment.